“Build the wall! Build the wall!”
They’re chanting it all over Massachusetts, up in Cambridge, and way out in the Berkshires. Even Somerset has taken up the chant.
“Build the wall!”
For too long, residents of Fall River(even people BORN in Fall River) have been able to move freely about the state, taking construction jobs away from people in Boston, bringing our odd, smelly food, and our mangled English to places where people enjoy tapas and a glass of good pinot noir, all the while talking in cultured accents about how SAT scores are through the roof up there at the high school.
Yes. It’s finally happened. The rest of Massachusetts is finally demanding that a wall be built around Fall River, making sure we don’t migrate to Marblehead and start voting for criminal dopes in the local elections.
The wall is going to cost a lot of money, billions in fact, but the governor is threatening to suspend sales of lottery tickets and recreational marijuana until the Legislature finds the money.
The proposed wall would run completely around Fall River, allowing residents to leave only through one tightly controlled checkpoint on the Fall River/Tiverton line, and then only if they can prove that they’re going to the casino, or leaving the state entirely. Mississippi wants you. Medford does not. Special permits will be given to people who want to leave Fall River and move to New Bedford because, frankly, who cares?
Under the new “lock ‘em up” plan, Fall River won’t get a commuter rail line, but there will be an additional freight train every day, carrying bales of lottery tickets, Narcan, and Patriots gear. When that train leaves, it will be loaded with boxes of Democratic votes that will be handed out to the appropriate elected-for-a-lifetime officials in Boston. Fall River’s state reps will not be allowed to leave the city because, again, who cares?
“Have you seen who they elect down there?” said Everett Straighteeth of the Wall Of Fall River Committee. “It’s like they’re choosing a tribal chieftain instead of a mayor. You take a look at their city council and you think, “These are the smart ones?
“Everyone knows what Massachusetts is,” Straighteeth continued. “It’s Boston Garden. It’s quiet little towns with stone walls, and a lovely white Congregational church in the middle of the village green.
“You ever been to Fall River?” Straighteeth asked reporters. “That’s not Massachusetts.”
“It’s hilarious,” said Marsha McLawyer, Straighteeth’s assistant. “They elect a mayor, then they throw him out, then they elect a new mayor who is just like the last mayor.”
“This isn’t our culture,” Straighteeth said. “I mean, Boston had Whitey Bulger, but we didn’t ELECT him to anything. In Fall River, Whitey would have been a multi-term mayor.”
While some in the media initially mocked the idea of a wall around Fall River, the idea has been gathering steam, particularly among residents of other parts of the state who read newspaper stories about Fall River. A web page has already raised $6 million for the wall, and at least one family in the back Back Bay section of Boston mortgaged their home to contribute $3 million to the effort.
“This house has been in my family for six generations,” said owner Minturn Phillips-Foxcroft, “but enough is enough. Yesterday, one of the Fall River laborers working on the mansion across the street told me, “Jasiel Correia didn’t do nothin’ while he was in office. It’s not like he stole money from the city.’
“ I ask you,” Phillips-Foxcroft continued, “should people like that be allowed to leave Fall River every day, roaming freely about Massachusetts with no supervision?
On Sunday, a crowd of demonstrators gathered at the statue of the minuteman in Concord, MA, chanting, “Build the wall!” and carrying signs with slogans such as “Take Back Our State,” and “Fall River Go Home.”
In Fall River, news that the state might wall the city in was greeted with a long argument about which city councilor was to blame, and an effort to recall every elected official in the Massachusetts, except the local delegation, every member of which pledged to “fight for you in Boston.”.