Marc Dion: Christmas Carols for Fall River

By Marc Munroe Dion.

It’s Christmas in The Riv, and I’m writing carols, as I have for 25 years now. Why would I stop? That’s not how this elf rolls, yo. So, put on your footie pajamas, plug in the tree, pour some Narcan in your eggnog, and sing along.

Silver Bells? Maybe, but in Fall River, this may be the season of hidden microphones.

If you’re strolling down on Bank Street
There’s a man in a van
And he’s not there to do some streetscaping.
If you’re hanging on the Sixth Floor, please don’t talk to the plants,
‘Cuz that ficus is wired up and taping.

Turning rat. Turning rat
What’s wrong with that?
Someone is wearing a wire.
Tapped phones ring
Ting-a-ling.
Soon it will be judgment day.

Remember those blizzards last year? You made it to work, and your boss gave you a $10,000 stipend, no? No. Face it. You just don’t know the right people. Gen Andrade knows the right people.

Here comes Stipend Claus.
Here Comes Stipend Claus
Right down Stipend Claus lane.
He doesn’t care if you plow or not
He’ll pay you just the same.
Stipend Claus knows you’re Jasiel’s buddy
That makes everything right.
So fill your purse and buy the shoes
‘Cuz Stipend Claus comes tonight.

Like the spirit of Christmas, purple bags never really go away. Let’s rock!

Rockin’ around the purple bags.
For a week the trash is free
Boxes and bags and wrapping sags
while it rains on you and me
Rockin’ around the purple bags
Cuz our masters threw us a bone
The rest of the year they steal your cash
And they won’t leave you alone.

You will get a mighty sick’ning feeling when you hear
Bloated councilors saying, “Hey buddy
You’re off the hook until next Monday!”

Rockin’ around the purple bags
All year you pay and pay
When they give you a week for free
Here’s what you’re supposed to say.

You must thank everyone who voted for this amnesty.
They’re just like Santa and the Easter Bunny
‘Cuz they let you keep your own money.

The Little Lord Jasiel was evicted from his manger.

He lost his apartment
The landlord said, “Go!”
The Little Lord Jasiel
Thrown out in the snow.

The streetscape was weeping
As he searched for a home
As he fumbled in his pocket
And found his smartphone

He called up his parents
And they took him in
The Little Lord Jasiel is back home again.

The recall is coming
And poor Jasiel wakes
And little Lord Jasiel,
Objections he makes.

His ex-landlord took possession and said with a shrug.
“I can’t get the stripper glitter out of this rug.”

Oh tannenbaum? It’s German for “Oh, Christmas Tree,”
“Tom Aubin” is Fall River for “screwed.”

Oh, Tom Aubin, Oh Tom Aubin
How shady was thy firing.
They rigged it up behind your back
Each one of them a cowering hack.
We’ll know what’s true.
When we see who
Will get the job instead of you.

How many days of Christmas?

On the thirteenth day of Christmas, the guvmint gave to me
Thirteen indictments
Twelve lawyers law-ing
Eleven Ken Fiolas
Ten recall petitions
Nine agents snooping
Eight Steve Camaras
Seven windy speeches
Six infomercials
Five pairs of handcuffs.
Four snow stipends
Three skinny suits
Two court dates
And a snow owl in a pear tree.